5 Reasons why people DON´T LIKE YOU!

This is one of those topics that many of us think about but it seems to be a Taboo, especially now, in the digital age of have 3 gazillion Facebook friends and 2.7 quadrillian of followers on Twitter, all of whom constantly "like" you and your posts.

We´re told left, right and centre that we shouldn´t worry about, or even mention, people who don´t like us, and instead, concentrate on those that do. Me here included!

But, the truth is that our mind is automatically drawn like bees to honey, to the negatives and to any critics, as much as we tell it to focus on the positives. Of course, the degree of that attraction, and more importantly, the time it "stays" there, depends on how well we train it to.

Still, this isn´t my point in this blog entry. This one is dedicated to the clandestino wonderings of our naughty mind into the deep and dark taboo of "Why don´t they like me??".

Some of us resort to extremes like dying our hair, buying gifts and paying endless compliments, all in the name of "changing their minds" about us, yet all to no avail. So, WHY?? Why are some people so set on disliking us?

1. Envy- this one is a very obvious and well known one. With a little twist. On top of being envious of our wealth/partner/social life/figure/job/travel etc, it is actually more about being convinced that THEY deserve it much more than we do. That surely, someone with THEIR background/language skills/popularity etc deserves that more than we do. "How DARE you have THAT job if you didn´t have all the family connections that I did??" / "How on earth do you have THAT figure if you eat chocolate every time I see you and I barely eat 2 celery sticks a day and still don´t have that waistline??"

2. Rejection - you refuse to join them in something / agree to something they want. They suggested a travel trip some time ago and you said NO. You had the most valid reasons in the whole wide world. You thought you explained it in the nicest possible way. They elegantly said "Not to worry, no problem at all, of course I understand". Well, you SHOULD worry. It IS a problem and they do NOT understand. Apply this to anything that you might have said that ugly word to - joint birthday party, their home-selling scheme, doing your make up, hiring them as your caterer/graphic designer/interior decorator etc.

3. Revenge - at some point of their lives, often college, they had an enemy. You in whatever ways remind them of that person that made their life hell at the time. They still hold the grudge but no longer have access to that person. They might have been a bully and your organising ways might remind them of this, They might have stolen their man/woman and your flirtatious popularity brings it all painfully back. They might have been the teacher´s pet and your enthusiasm to please reignites the resentment. To them, you ARE the representation of all that was wrong with their world at the time.

4. "Mirroring" - YOU don´t like THEM. They know. People always do. As much as we try to dress it up with a smile, our instincts ALWAYS whisper us in the ear "Did you see the way he looked at you?" / "You´re the only one he "accidentally" didn´t include in that mail" / "She purposefully disagrees with whatever you ever suggest to do in a group, no restaurant or time is agreeable to her if it´s proposed by YOU".

5. Jealousy - yes, this good old fashioned monster. They think you flirt/like their partner or vice versa. Or their friends - that you try to "seduce them away" and/or get on better with them. Or boss. That he/she appreciates you more than them. Or family, especially in case of siblings and brothers/sisters-in-llaw. You get the picture. 

Can you identify who´s who behind these 5 reasons of some of the people that just don´t like you? What about the other way around? :-) Do YOU dislike some people because of these?

Before asking how you could change this around, have a good long think if you really truly WANT to. Is it worth your while? Or, understanding these reasons, it makes it easier for you to just accept that whatever you do, some people, for their own reasons, will not like you. And it´s OK. The same way it´s OK for you to dislike some people too. 

There, another Taboo dealt with, next!! :)

If you do decide that you definitely WANT to resolve some of these issues with someone, of course don´t hesitate to contact me to help coach you through it. 

Your Coach Marina

7 Hábitos fáciles para un día más alegre

7 Hábitos fáciles para un día más alegre

Estos son algunos de los consejos más comunes u sencillos de la gente más positiva y feliz:

1.       Visualización: la noche anterior, antes de dormirte, imagina como quieres que te salgan las cosas al día siguiente – desde las conversaciones agradables con tus compañeros, hasta momentos románticos con tu pareja o risas con tus amigos

2.       Preparación: organízate bien para evitar estrés por la mañana, tener más tiempo y estar más a gusto, el día anterior eligiendo y planchando la ropa que te vas a poner, preparando todo lo que tendrás que llevar al trabajo o recados etc

3.       Desayuno: toma tu tiempo y disfruta de tus alimentos favoritos – corta una piña, prepara unas fresas o arándanos, un buen café, un croissant…– verás como tendrás mucha más energía y paciencia después!

4   Música: llena tu día de las melodías que más te animan y alegran desde que te despiertas hasta acostarte, prepara tu selección en tu mp3, ipad etc y sonríe con las emociones positivas que te provoca! (Y si cantas con mando a distancia en la mano y bailas a la vez, mejor que mejor!)

5.       Endorfinas: todos los días dedica un tiempo “sagrado” a comunicarte con por lo menos 1 persona que te hace sentir bien y te hace reír – lo mejor es en persona, pero si no, por teléfono, skype, mensajes – como sea, pero no te pierdas esta oportunidad de compartir momentos tan preciosos!

6.       Adrenalina: cada día prueba algo nuevo – puede ser una comida, bebida, una palabra en otro idioma, camino a casa o un color de corbata o pintalabios. O puede ser mucho más aventurero y probar actividades muy fuera de tu zona de confort, como hablar en público, reservar una escapada de última hora, montar a caballo…

7.       Solidario: hacer algo bueno para otra persona o para nuestro entorno nos hace sentir bien, útil y auto-realizados. Puede ser una pequeña aportación económica a una ONG, dedicar 20 minutos a escuchar a una vecina mayor o un amigo desahogarse sin interrumpir, dejar que alguien vaya delante de ti en la cola para la cajero, preparar una tarjeta, tarta u otra cosa hecha a mano y dedicarla con un mensaje a un ser querido que necesite un poco de ánimo!

5 mitos más destructivos sobre La Autoconfianza

5 mitos más destructivos sobre La Autoconfianza

Estos últimos meses he hablado con más gente que nunca acerca de sus creencias sobre la Autoconfianza, para poder entender las dudas y necesidades que tiene la gente en cuanto a aprender e incrementar su Autoconfianza. Me he encontrado con estos 5 mitos más comunes que nos han estado perjudicando a la hora de mejorar la confianza en nosotros mismos. En breve os presentaré mi nueva pagina web, dedicada exclusivamente a este importante tema de la Autoconfianza:

1. El más popular – con Autoconfianza se nace y no se hace:
   Obviamente nos ayuda mucho crecer con mayor autoconfianza cuando se nos lo enseña desde que nacemos, pero el mundo está igual de lleno de gente muy introvertida e insegura a quien les mimaron mucho desde pequeños, que de gente extra-ordinariamente carismática y segura de si misma, a pesar de una infancia y adolescencia llena de “malos tragos”. TODO se aprende y TODO se mejora con la práctica!
2.  Autoconfianza significa no tener miedos.
   TODOS tenemos miedos. Pequeños y grandes. Importantes y totalmente superficiales. Algunos desde siempre y otros “adquiridos” hace poco. Autoconfianza se trata de hacer las cosas A PESAR de estos miedos y así ir superándolos.
3.  Tener mucha Autoconfianza se percibe como Arrogancia.
   Autoconfianza es tener fe en ti mismo y tus fuerzas y habilidades y tu referencia para comprar eres tu mismo – ir superando tus propios límites y niveles. Arrogancia es compararte con los demás y sentirte por encima de ellos.
4. Para tener Autoconfianza tienes que tener buena apariencia física, estar bien económicamente, tener un buen trabajo y muchos amigos.
   Mucha gente se esconde detrás de un físico, sus éxitos profesionales o una vida social envidiable para no enfrentarse a sus inseguridades. La tranquilidad interior viene desde dentro, desde un lugar que no depende de esos factores externos.
5.  A una cierta edad ya es imposible cambiar.
   NUNCA es demasiado tarde para cambiar, aprender y mejorar. Como dicen - mejor tarde que nunca!! Con la mayor experiencia de la vida, la comprensión de los pilares principales se hace más fácil y aplicarlos les sirve de un excelente ejemplo a seguir a tus seres queridos
   
   
   

Perdón

Hoy ví una frase que he dicho varias veces a mis alumnos y clientes de Coaching y que suele provocar una reacción bastante emotiva en todos, creo que casi sin excepción:

"Muchas veces pensamos que el perdón es un regalo para el otro, y no nos damos cuenta de que los únicos beneficiados somos nosotros mismos. El perdón es una declaración que puedes y debes renovar a diario.
Muchas veces la persona más importante a la que tienes que perdonar es a ti mismo, por todas las cosas que no fueron de la manera como pensabas."

Al parecer, casi cada uno de nosotros lleva algo muy dentro que no nos hemos podido o querido perdonar. Un engaño, unas palabras muy feas, el no haber hecho algo para alguien o no haber protegido a un ser querido o alguien más débil que nosotros que nos necesitaba. Tal vez ese "alguien más débil" es uno mismo.

Este algo nos come por dentro, nos inquieta, nos hace querernos un poco menos. Nos hace buscar a otras personas o parejas "culpable" del misma "crimen" y "castigarles", todo en nuestros intentos de sentirnos mejor. 

Lo que propongo a mis clientes en estos casos, es un ejercicio muy simple y altamente eficaz: Hacer un trato. Un trato contigo mismo. Una promesa. Un precio que pagarás por ese supuesto "fallo" que te parezca razonable. 

Si los criminales se merecen un Perdón, una segunda oportunidad, no crees que es lo minimo que te mereces tu tambien? Da igual que hiciste, ahora ya te toca Perdonarte a ti mismo, Liberarte de ese feo sentimiento y Valorarte y Quererte más!!

Obviamente, hay miles y millones de ejemplos de "condena" o  "precio" que puedes decidir pagar - puede que sea algo que hagas para esa persona a la que fallaste, o por otra. O tal vez sea algo que no tenga nada que ver con ese "eror" - puede ser una buena acción cualquiera, o un reto personal para ti mismo. Tu serás tu propio juzgado y juez.

Pero, una vez que cumplas tu propia "condena" - TE TENDRAS QUE PERDONAR A TI MISMO!!!

Deal? 

 Para más herramientas e inspiraciones para aumentar tu AUTOCONFIANZA, únete a nuestro grupo en Facebook http://www.facebook.com/groups/405819519436648/

Ali Meehan´s Secrets to a Positive Mind, Confidence and Success

Interview with Alison Meehan, founder of Costa Women

This is the first in the series of interviews with the people that inspire me the most in terms of their positivity, determination, confidence and vision that I´ll be sharing with you over the coming weeks and months. These interviews are part of my ongoing research for my Coaching and Training courses on a variety of subjects, such as Confidence, Motivation, Leadership, and Communication Skills.  I´m very grateful to everyone who has contributed their tips, advice and secrets to help me make my workshops, materials and sessions that much more enriched, practical, fun and effective. I´m sure you´ll enjoy this insightful interview as much as I did!

Alison, since I´ve moved to Marbella, you´ve been one of my inspirations for many reasons, but I think one of the main ones being your thorough consistency in delivering positive, motivational messages to women all around Spain – be it by weekly newsletter, your brilliant webforum, Tweets, Facebook group and I´m sure many others!

Sure, many of us do our best to spread some joy and positivity whenever we get the chance (and don´t get distracted by Facebook, phonecalls, Desperate Housewives etc!). But the consistency, the perseverance, the focus – now that´s a discipline that I believe makes that great difference in succeeding as much as your initiatives do.

First of all, Alison, tell us a little about you? Where are you based? How do you “earn your living”, what is your business all about?

Well firstly, thank YOU for the kind comments Marina!  As you will have gathered, I am hugely passionate about what I do so that drives the focus and the desire to show up.   Providing a platform for connecting women, promoting businesses and networking is something I love; its great to share the opportunities that are out there. 

Originally from the UK, I am now based in Los Boliches, and have lived here on and off since 2002.  We have moved about a bit in the interim (Dubai, Spain, Thailand and then back to Spain) but this is very much home! 

My working background is very diverse, but in Dubai I worked for an oil and gas business development consultancy where I learnt many different skill sets; including marketing and branding, sales and customer service, as well as working on a IT start up which was subsequently sold to an international Media House.  Most importantly, I learnt how to build a global community with multinational Clients.

In 2011 when we came back to Spain, my husband and I started a social media and ecommerce business with most of our Clients internationally based.  Social media fits so well with what I love; being social, media and networking, that I am one of those fortunate people that loves what they do.

And now, pray do tell, how do you manage this enviable consistency in your projects and communications? How do you stay on course, don´t get distracted, don´t get absorbed by life´s everyday chaos and mini-crisis etc?

Life does throw up the odd curve ball doesn’t it!  My career started in the legal profession where the need to stay focussed was key to success for your Clients and I have managed to keep a very disciplined approach to my working life since. 

Lists are the way to go… the more the merrier.  My handbag is full of notebooks all for different things LOL!  And I love notebooks (and books but don’t get me on that track!)

My personal motto is “The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do” (Sarah Ban Breathnach); as “Imagineer” at Costa Women, I am dreaming and doing; a great combination!

What about de-motivation and frustration? There must be plenty of moments when you don´t get the results or response you were hoping for and working hard towards. How do you keep up you excellent work and don´t give into these “lows” and doubts?

It can be quite lonely at times and I try to surround myself with people who I can talk to and turn to when the “moments” kick in.  Having worked in sales I am use the “new day” approach where you press the reset button and start again.

Sometimes as I post (to Facebook, Twitter and Costa Women), RT (retweet on Twitter) and blog I do have a panic attack of… is anyone out there! 

The worst critic is always you.  No one knows what I had, or have planned for Costa Women so if it doesn’t turn out exactly as I had hoped, well only I know that!   The challenge is to pick yourself up, rethink what you had planned and restart with a different perspective.

Now, one of my favourite subjects that so many of my clients have as one of their top objectives to work towards – Confidence. You seem to have bags of it – where do you get yours? How did you learn your fantastic self-confidence? What do you do on a regular basis to keep it up? Any special rituals or “tricks” that you work well for you?

Ahh confidence!  “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it” ― Maya Angelou and I so agree with her.  I am very positive now, but have suffered major crisis in my life over the years; things I thought I wouldn’t recover from.  Time is great healer. 

I made a conscious decision some years ago to only surround myself with positive people; it’s so easy to get entrenched into negativity and drained by someone or something (there are some dreadfully negative TV programmes and news articles; its your choice to connect with people, watch and read or disconnect, turn off and turn the page)  There are lots of positive initiatives ( for instance Pay it Forward, our Costa Women Gratitude Project, 365, The Happiness Project) and more accessible than ever due to the internet.  Generally people are very busy nowadays and its sad people don’t get time, or space to read anymore.  Blogs are a brilliant alternative, or how about spending a few minutes daily to think on a quote.

We have all got the chance to “become what we might have been”; its up to you to decide who you want to be, where you want to go, who you want to spend time with and become that person you always wanted to be.  Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself.   If you aren’t sure where even to start, find a coach who you are comfortable with and start to work through where you want to be in 1, 5 or 10 years from now.

What are your main objectives and challenges for this year ahead? What would you have me help you with as a Coach?

I’m very much a goal setter and do this throughout the year; as well as checking back as to how I have been doing on what I set earlier.  Making goals time specific is something people forget and then wonder why they didn’t happen.

Growing Costa Women in Spain; I have a personal goal of 1000 members before 31^st December 2012 and it looks like we are heading for success!

To write a monthly blog and thanks to Family Life in Spain Magazine, 3Plus International and of course Costa Women, I am achieving this goal!

“One day is not a day” is a personal favourite quote at the moment that I am getting a lot of learning out of.  Planning ahead is something I have always done, but I am learning to spend more time realising that “To” day is more important than One Day and enjoy the ride!

My challenge for you Marina; would be advice on staying mindful.  One of my particular key lessons since 2011 has been to learn “mindfulness” - with mindfulness comes awareness, with awareness comes choice, with choice comes the ability to learn, grow and change.

Being creative is always a challenge, especially in “quiet” times and it’s that need to keep recreating and creating again which needs time and headspace to develop.  This year I have been travelling extensively, and that has given me some time to come up with some new ideas for Costa Women; including a possible new Costa Women group in another country… more to follow!

I know and love your Gratitude 365 project where every day you thank things and people for the different things – from your car to internet, to coffee and biscuits. How does it help you, what do you “get out of it”? 

Glad you are enjoying the Project! What better way to commit to a project than announcing it publicly hey; no pressure there then LOL!   That said, I have got so much out of being grateful that I could never have imagined.   There are days when it’s a struggle; that is silly really, as there is always something, someone, somewhere, or some event to be grateful for.  It’s getting the time to be still and appreciate life.  Mindfulness is the key (something I am learning… honest!).  What I have got out of it so far are real shifts in things in my personal life on a financial level as well as the support of the other members who have joined me in the project.  They may not post everyday, but I know they are there.

Many thanks for sharing your “secrets” and tips with us, Ali!! Is there anything we can “give back”, any particular message that we can help you spread, any page we can “like” or a project we could check out and participate in?

Costa Women has loads of space for new members and membership is free to too!   There are new initiatives being planned for meet ups in Granada, Costa Blanca, Barcelona and Marbella.  We have a new group meeting in Malaga too, called View from the Hills which has exploded; 50+ Facebook members in a little over a month!

You can find us at http://costawomen.ning.com/group/gratitude-project-365

Twitter: @costawomen

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CostaWomen

Google +: costawomen

Pinterest: costawomen

http://about.me/alimeehan

Thanks for the chat Marina; it’s been fun!

Pay It Forward

It´s been a long time since my last Blog on here – I´ve really missed you, my dear E-Diary!

Last week was the International Books FlashMob day organised by the fantastic PIF – Pay It Forward (http://www.pifexperience.org/).

Did you ever see the movie? Beautiful, heart-warming, wasn´t it? If you didn´t, I strongly recommend that you do! (just maybe not a Saturday night kind of movie!)

Anyway, the Books FlashMob day was taking place in about 60 countries was about doing a good selfless deed for a complete stranger, by giving away one of your favourite books, one that made a big difference for you in your life. Like all the other PIF actions, it was about restoring human faith in that we´re all basically good and that there are so many of us that care, that want to do good, that are prepared to “sacrifice” their time (an hour at least!), a  cherished possession (book in this case) and a little bit of “nerve” to approach strangers to give them this gift (there are flyers that are to be inserted into the middle of the book which explain the PIF and that particular action so that later on the said strangers understand what “happened to them”).

This turned out to be a more emotional event for me than I´d “planned” – on one hand, there were 2 slightly sad and disappointing facts – one is that here in Marbella, there were just 5 of us. (vs thousands in more established places like London´s Trafalgar square). Yes, 5. That includes me, the lovely Silvia Benedetta (the organiser of the Marbella event), her gorgeous daughter Maya who was our “official photographer” and 2 other ladies that were up for this great event.

Yes, 5 of us. Out of many, many, many that had originally confirmed their assistance and most of whom never found the time to advise that they wouldn´t be able to make it in the end.
(Below Silvia, Anne & myself "in action" - the FlashMob effect of "everyone suddenly sitting down to read a chapter of their book before giving it away looks slightly more errr "awkward" with less than 50 participants! Heck, with less than 10!)

If it was sad for me, you can only imagine how Silvia felt after 3 months of organising and promoting the event to hundreds of her good friends and contacts.  Now at this point, I have to give it some context – Silvia single-handedly takes care of her 5 kids -3 year old to 13 year old and works all hours imaginable. Needless to say, there´s absolutely no profit or income to be made out of this event (which is, of course, absolutely free!), so if you take away nothing else from this Blog, then it should be

“Where there´s a will, there is a Way.

And if there isn´t, we´ll Make one!”

So, let´s think again about our usual excuses of being too busy, having a baby or 2 to look after, having a busy job etc.

Make a way she did, and so despite of it being “just” the 5 of us, we went ahead and made the Marbella event happen.

The positive to make out of that negative is that it really doesn´t matter who DIDN´T turn up. We did. Instead of feeling bad of it being “just us”, it was about feeling good to be there (have to admit that it did take a little while to “re-focus” our thoughts and conversation in that way!)

The 2^nd sad thing happened when it came to actually giving away my 2 books. Now, to place some more context, yet without wanting to come across as arrogant or anything, I´d like to think of my appearance as one inspiring some trust, if nothing else.

So, there was me, in my best casual afternoon glad rags (including my brand new cute turquoise sandals, nonetheless! J) in the middle of a busy shopping centre with 2 copies of respectable enough books, smiling at strangers (mostly 40+ ladies of different nationalities), whilst extending the book and saying “Could I please give this as a present to you, just enjoy it, no strings, explanation is inside the leaflet here in the book”.

I think I would have got better treatment if I were actually asking for something, instead of giving it away. This apparently would raise less suspicion!! 

But, finally, and several (approximately 10!!) rejections later, I was able to bestow my gifts upon these fellow good human beings. Result!

The positivity out this? That I got to practice my anti-rejection self-confidence tricks, that I did find some trusting people who were open-minded enough to accept the books, that I felt good about it, that maybe a few of those that did reject me (or would have had they been there), will read this Blog and next time will have a little more faith in the goodness of some actions.

All in all, a great day, so happy to have been part of it! (and to think that I so nearly missed it!!)

Many thanks to the wonderful Silvia and Maya, also to our 2 other fellow "FlashMobers", to all those that nearly came, to all those that rejected us, to all those that didn´t. To PIF for their tireless efforts in promoting this brilliant concept.  

Please join and enjoy PIF and their future events and actions!

In  the meantime, you know what to do with the lemons that life throws you sometimes, don´t you? (a hint – you´ll need some rum, sugar, hierbabuena, soda and ice to throw in the mix too!)

Here´s also an extract from PIF Flashmob event website:

"Never, ever, ever under estimate the power and might of the whisperings of your heart. Sometimes, what the heart says may sound crazy,  but it never argues. It just whispers once, quietly (but loudly) and then your head kicks in. Your head argues and shouts, rationalises and justifies – yet the heart ! The heart just whispers once and makes you feel alive. Our hearts shared this “little idea” with is and our heads told us “we were crazy.” Thank goodness that for once, we listened to our hearts ! Because this was a big one, and the head won before. This time, the heart showed that it is the “little things” that come from the heart that have the most impact on the world and that is why WE choose to Pay It Forward".