How much for HAPPINESS?

With Happiness, Relationships, Career, Wealth, Health, Friendships and so much more, it all comes down to how you answer this one simple question “How much are you prepared to give up for this?”. 

It might not be the nicest way of looking at it, but sure is a very true and practical one!

Just think about it – how much easier does it make it for us to decide just how much we want or need something when it has a real price tag?

There you are, browsing around the different shops in search of that perfect pair of black shoes. Sure, you want the Best, the nicest leather, quality, shape, design, fashionable, yet comfortable, etc. So, you look, you try on, you admire, you ponder. 

Of course a high price is neither a requirement nor an indicator that you´ll find that perfect paid. BUT, it does help you navigate through all the choices. And, like it not, very often a high price tag does offer you the most you could ever ask for. Just think if it wasn´t a factor. 

With shopping for price-marked items, it´s easy. You know exactly what you have to give up to acquire those perfect shoes or a holiday. And so, with other things in life, which allegedly “you can´t put a price on” and are “priceless”, we struggle. We struggle to realise its price and, consequently, its value, because let´s face another not-such-nice truth: the two are, indeed related, at least in majority of cases.

Yet, EVEYRYTHING, yes, EVERY single thing, including those “priceless” things like happiness and promotion at work, all have a price to pay.

What could be the price for a new relationship? What would you have to give up? Be honest! We´ve all become too politically correct and sensitive to be brutally honest about some things. So, what would you have to give up? A LOT! It doesn´t mean that they´re all great things that you would miss, or that you don´t want to “give them up”. Yet it helps so much knowing what they are. Time. Selfishness. Energy. Commitment. Some “friendships” (yep, as wrong as it sounds, there will be some “friends” that just won´t fit into your new relationship-full life), independence, the thrill of meeting “someone new”, the mystery and adventure of single life.... and so much more! You´ll now have to share your and their friends, families, and compromise on holidays, movies, food and more! This is just the beginning. Of course we always talk about the benefits of being in love and in a great relationships, we all know those, and, obviously, it outweighs the “losses” and is worth its “price tag”, for most people. But still, so many go in search of it, blindly unaware of what they have to give up to become one part of a smug happy couple.

The same with everything – You want that sports car? That puppy? That girlie holiday? That hot body? That lifestyle? That business? Do you know what you have to give up to get it? And now that ultimate question – are you prepared to give it up? Is it worth it?

Maybe you´re now in the process of realising, that some of your wishes and objectives are not actually worth it. That you´re not prepared to give up that time, money, energy, effort, etc that is necessary to get it or keep it. Just know also, that you´re choosing something else – those 3 hours of TV soap watching a day are costing you – you´re giving up a lot to have it. You´re giving up some great hobbies, quality time with your friends or family, getting fitter, earning money etc. 

Everyone has their own preferences, objectives, priorities and values. The beautiful thing is that none of us are the same. 

I realise writing this blog entry has cost me x, y & z – things that I gave up in order to do it. It´s my choice. Many people would never understand it. Yet many of those people are also the same ones as want to feel fulfilled and improve their communication and rapport with their clients. They may prefer to spend that hour in the gym. 

The point is that we all need to become much more conscious that every indecision is actually, in face a decision. That every time you want something, you need to ask yourself if you´re prepared to give up what it takes to get it. If you are, go ahead and commit yourself to “give it up” , to “pay its price”. If you´re not, strike it off your wish-list, at least for now. Why? Because it will liberate you, it will take the weight off your shoulders on unfulfilled dreams, of feeling of failure, of a long list of objectives that are not getting done. It will also free you up to go and get all those great things that ARE worth the sacrifice that they require. 

One thing most people find very hard to resist is that instant gratification that so often stands in their way of fulfilling their goals and dreams. We say we want to be in a happy relationship, yet so many people “stray” and ruin their chances. We say we want to be healthy, yet that cigarette in the moment of weakness with a glass of wine is stronger than our willpower. So, be very very specific when you´re talking about what you´re prepared to give up. Because it very much includes all those temptations of instant gratification!

Now enjoy whatever are your choices, you´ve given up a lot for them, so cherish what your achievements – be it wealth, a hot body, popular social life, love of your life, parenthood, pets, etc!!

5 Reasons why people DON´T LIKE YOU!

This is one of those topics that many of us think about but it seems to be a Taboo, especially now, in the digital age of have 3 gazillion Facebook friends and 2.7 quadrillian of followers on Twitter, all of whom constantly "like" you and your posts.

We´re told left, right and centre that we shouldn´t worry about, or even mention, people who don´t like us, and instead, concentrate on those that do. Me here included!

But, the truth is that our mind is automatically drawn like bees to honey, to the negatives and to any critics, as much as we tell it to focus on the positives. Of course, the degree of that attraction, and more importantly, the time it "stays" there, depends on how well we train it to.

Still, this isn´t my point in this blog entry. This one is dedicated to the clandestino wonderings of our naughty mind into the deep and dark taboo of "Why don´t they like me??".

Some of us resort to extremes like dying our hair, buying gifts and paying endless compliments, all in the name of "changing their minds" about us, yet all to no avail. So, WHY?? Why are some people so set on disliking us?

1. Envy- this one is a very obvious and well known one. With a little twist. On top of being envious of our wealth/partner/social life/figure/job/travel etc, it is actually more about being convinced that THEY deserve it much more than we do. That surely, someone with THEIR background/language skills/popularity etc deserves that more than we do. "How DARE you have THAT job if you didn´t have all the family connections that I did??" / "How on earth do you have THAT figure if you eat chocolate every time I see you and I barely eat 2 celery sticks a day and still don´t have that waistline??"

2. Rejection - you refuse to join them in something / agree to something they want. They suggested a travel trip some time ago and you said NO. You had the most valid reasons in the whole wide world. You thought you explained it in the nicest possible way. They elegantly said "Not to worry, no problem at all, of course I understand". Well, you SHOULD worry. It IS a problem and they do NOT understand. Apply this to anything that you might have said that ugly word to - joint birthday party, their home-selling scheme, doing your make up, hiring them as your caterer/graphic designer/interior decorator etc.

3. Revenge - at some point of their lives, often college, they had an enemy. You in whatever ways remind them of that person that made their life hell at the time. They still hold the grudge but no longer have access to that person. They might have been a bully and your organising ways might remind them of this, They might have stolen their man/woman and your flirtatious popularity brings it all painfully back. They might have been the teacher´s pet and your enthusiasm to please reignites the resentment. To them, you ARE the representation of all that was wrong with their world at the time.

4. "Mirroring" - YOU don´t like THEM. They know. People always do. As much as we try to dress it up with a smile, our instincts ALWAYS whisper us in the ear "Did you see the way he looked at you?" / "You´re the only one he "accidentally" didn´t include in that mail" / "She purposefully disagrees with whatever you ever suggest to do in a group, no restaurant or time is agreeable to her if it´s proposed by YOU".

5. Jealousy - yes, this good old fashioned monster. They think you flirt/like their partner or vice versa. Or their friends - that you try to "seduce them away" and/or get on better with them. Or boss. That he/she appreciates you more than them. Or family, especially in case of siblings and brothers/sisters-in-llaw. You get the picture. 

Can you identify who´s who behind these 5 reasons of some of the people that just don´t like you? What about the other way around? :-) Do YOU dislike some people because of these?

Before asking how you could change this around, have a good long think if you really truly WANT to. Is it worth your while? Or, understanding these reasons, it makes it easier for you to just accept that whatever you do, some people, for their own reasons, will not like you. And it´s OK. The same way it´s OK for you to dislike some people too. 

There, another Taboo dealt with, next!! :)

If you do decide that you definitely WANT to resolve some of these issues with someone, of course don´t hesitate to contact me to help coach you through it. 

Your Coach Marina

Where is the Love?

Had it and lost it? Never quite felt it truly? Thought you did but then realised it was more lust or being in love with Love?

I recently did a little survey as to what aspect of their lives people would most benefit from improving and the most popular answer by far was LOVE.  Not more money, not better looks or health, but LOVE.
Majority of people that replied, in my books are fantastic – (in fact perhaps I should have used the same database for some matchmaking!) – great hearts and minds and pretty faces to match it too. Most of them do brilliantly professionally and socially.

...So what´s the problem?

As some of you may already know, one of my coaching specialities is Love Coaching, which i conduct in group workshops, individually and with couples. Love Coaching is equally in demand with singles looking to find it and couples looking to restore it, enhance it or maintain it.

So where does this often illusive, sometimes  fickle, and always (albeit at times only subconsciously) desired magic hide?  In these Notes from the Love Coach, I´ll try to capture and summarise all I know about it, which mostly comes from formal &informal research, workshops and coaching sessions with hundreds of clients, personal experience, cocktail-fuelled confessions and endless books and studies – all in the hope that at least some it can help at least some of you be found by it!

So, what first? Exactly: it´s “WHAT” – what does LOVE mean to you? Define it well. Really well. If you were looking for a job, you´d know better than just looking for one without fully understanding exactly what kind of job you´re looking for. You´d select the correct filters in the job-search engines and websites. E.g, “Permanent, temporary, contract etc?”, “Industry”, “Category”, “Salary range”, etc etc. If you don´t, it´ll be pretty much impossible for you to see and be seen by the right recruiters as there are far too many millions of options – on your side and on theirs. Recruiters want to know that YOU KNOW what you´re looking for. Otherwise you´ll be faced either with many frustrating and irrelevant “interviews” or won´t get any at all (interviews that is, silly! Although thinking of it... ).

So that´s the very first task for any of you wanting to know where Love is – DEFINE what kind of Love you´d like to attract – “short lived but intense”, “deep and meaningful – more comfortable than passionate”, “a real partnership on equal terms” etc – these examples are just that – of course one doesn´t exclude the other.

BUT – one definition/choice always does mean that you eliminate the opposite side of the coin of it, i.e. – adrenaline filled means it won´t be “tranquil”, or “comfortable” means it won´t be full of unknown mysteries. “Independant” means ... well, you get it, right?  

This means that whilst defining your Love, you must understand what you´d be trading in for it and either accept fully this “price”, or prioritise it for something else.  Often, by realising the “price” of one quality, you quickly understand why your previous choices didn´t work for you and straight away decide to strike it from your “Must have” list, instead replacing it with something you can fully commit to, including its “downside”.

In practice:

1)      Make an honest list of what kind of Love you´d like in your life right now (of course this may and does change over the course of your life) – this includes the type of relationship and the type of partner.
2)      Next to EACH quality/adjective, write down the opposite of it, i.e. what this relationship/partner would NOT be, or what logically you´d be giving up (e.g. “fully committed” – you´d be giving up the “games”, the mystery, the many other options and possibilities, would be risking being taken for granted, perhaps too much stability etc etc). Really, next to EACH of them. Think about it well, be honest. If you can´t think of one, feel free to get back to me with any questions here on our Facebook Page.
3)      Now evaluate well your list. Think well. Imagine the positive and the negative. Now PRIORITISE. Only keep 7-10 “Must have´s”.

Is this what your real LOVE looks like & feels like? Is this what you´re looking for? Is this what would make you truly happy right now?

As always, would love to hear about your results of this 1st exercise.  Will move on to the 2nd exercise as soon as i get enough feedback and results from you on this one & so on.