Where is the Love?

Had it and lost it? Never quite felt it truly? Thought you did but then realised it was more lust or being in love with Love?

I recently did a little survey as to what aspect of their lives people would most benefit from improving and the most popular answer by far was LOVE.  Not more money, not better looks or health, but LOVE.
Majority of people that replied, in my books are fantastic – (in fact perhaps I should have used the same database for some matchmaking!) – great hearts and minds and pretty faces to match it too. Most of them do brilliantly professionally and socially.

...So what´s the problem?

As some of you may already know, one of my coaching specialities is Love Coaching, which i conduct in group workshops, individually and with couples. Love Coaching is equally in demand with singles looking to find it and couples looking to restore it, enhance it or maintain it.

So where does this often illusive, sometimes  fickle, and always (albeit at times only subconsciously) desired magic hide?  In these Notes from the Love Coach, I´ll try to capture and summarise all I know about it, which mostly comes from formal &informal research, workshops and coaching sessions with hundreds of clients, personal experience, cocktail-fuelled confessions and endless books and studies – all in the hope that at least some it can help at least some of you be found by it!

So, what first? Exactly: it´s “WHAT” – what does LOVE mean to you? Define it well. Really well. If you were looking for a job, you´d know better than just looking for one without fully understanding exactly what kind of job you´re looking for. You´d select the correct filters in the job-search engines and websites. E.g, “Permanent, temporary, contract etc?”, “Industry”, “Category”, “Salary range”, etc etc. If you don´t, it´ll be pretty much impossible for you to see and be seen by the right recruiters as there are far too many millions of options – on your side and on theirs. Recruiters want to know that YOU KNOW what you´re looking for. Otherwise you´ll be faced either with many frustrating and irrelevant “interviews” or won´t get any at all (interviews that is, silly! Although thinking of it... ).

So that´s the very first task for any of you wanting to know where Love is – DEFINE what kind of Love you´d like to attract – “short lived but intense”, “deep and meaningful – more comfortable than passionate”, “a real partnership on equal terms” etc – these examples are just that – of course one doesn´t exclude the other.

BUT – one definition/choice always does mean that you eliminate the opposite side of the coin of it, i.e. – adrenaline filled means it won´t be “tranquil”, or “comfortable” means it won´t be full of unknown mysteries. “Independant” means ... well, you get it, right?  

This means that whilst defining your Love, you must understand what you´d be trading in for it and either accept fully this “price”, or prioritise it for something else.  Often, by realising the “price” of one quality, you quickly understand why your previous choices didn´t work for you and straight away decide to strike it from your “Must have” list, instead replacing it with something you can fully commit to, including its “downside”.

In practice:

1)      Make an honest list of what kind of Love you´d like in your life right now (of course this may and does change over the course of your life) – this includes the type of relationship and the type of partner.
2)      Next to EACH quality/adjective, write down the opposite of it, i.e. what this relationship/partner would NOT be, or what logically you´d be giving up (e.g. “fully committed” – you´d be giving up the “games”, the mystery, the many other options and possibilities, would be risking being taken for granted, perhaps too much stability etc etc). Really, next to EACH of them. Think about it well, be honest. If you can´t think of one, feel free to get back to me with any questions here on our Facebook Page.
3)      Now evaluate well your list. Think well. Imagine the positive and the negative. Now PRIORITISE. Only keep 7-10 “Must have´s”.

Is this what your real LOVE looks like & feels like? Is this what you´re looking for? Is this what would make you truly happy right now?

As always, would love to hear about your results of this 1st exercise.  Will move on to the 2nd exercise as soon as i get enough feedback and results from you on this one & so on.